Did you ever attempt to define “good parenting”?
What makes a “good parent”?
Are you a “good parent”?
How do you know?
Today, I invite all of us to reflect on this big question. Here’s my take on it in 3 big ideas:
1. Small versus Grand Gestures
- Children between 0-12 need their parents 24/7. Children cry a lot; get sick a lot; they need to be dropped off and picked up with the precision of a Swiss watch; they are afraid of the dark; they want to sleep in your bed; they are picky eaters; they can easily ruin a vacation or a weekend plan; they don’t like school or homework; they are tired and cranky most of the time.
- Children beyond 12 enter adolescence. All of the above still applies, with the added bonus of: they reject and despise your advising; they lock themselves in their room for hours; they only want to spend time with their friends; they label you as “a boomer”, or worse “a bro”; they don’t trust you can operate a remote; they are sarcastic, angry, sad and never satisfied, while you, and I , the Parent, stay the course of providing endless acts of service, words of affirmation/ encouragement, special time, love and care.
- Good parenting builds on these ongoing, infinite small gestures that a child relies on REGARDLESS of their emotional state, day in and day out. No grand gestures- such as a Disney vacation, a cruise to Alaska, buying them a big gift, etc- can ever give a child what they need for optimal psychological development. I see grand gestures as a “nice to have” / once in a while, but I don’t place a high value on them.
- Good parents are consistent, structured, attentive, attuned, infinitely patient, and self- aware. It is the job of a true Superhero.
2. Visible versus Invisible Acts
- Parenting is mostly an invisible act. Nobody is there to give us a medal or a pat on the back every time we show up for our kids, but we do it anyway, a million times over.
- Parents go unrecognized for their herculean work in most Western societies, especially in the USA ( see Surgeon General’s last report on parents).
- The one “fallout” I see in many parents is their quest for public recognition on social media. We all want to show our kids once in a while to our friends ( I hope your account is private!), but the constant posting and exposure of children to convey “good parenting” has to stop. Stay “invisible” on social media; I see you; your child sees you, and that’s enough.
3. Tangible versus Intangible Traits
- Parenting can be looked at from the lenses of DOING ( tangible) and BEING ( intangible).
- We DO a lot as parents, like I said earlier. All the things we do…. all the places we go, right? However, this is the easy side of parenting, if you ask me. Almost anyone can cook, clean, drive, make appointments, and sing lullabies.
- It is how we show up day in and day out, in millions of micro- moments, when a child is distressed, angry, scared, withdrawn, disappointed, alone and confused that makes a parent a good parent. The capacity to listen; to attune; to validate; to have empathy; and to access self- compassion- these are the intangibles of “good parenting”. This is the BEING of parenting.
As with everything else, please add your own layers to what “good parenting” means to YOU. My goal here is not to label parents good or bad, but to invite all of us to pay attention to the things that make a difference, in the long run, in our children’s lives.
What you do every day matters, and most of it goes unseen and unrecognized. Have faith in your work as a conscious parent. The results will be visible to YOU and YOUR CHILD in 5-10 years.