Happy summer! It’s almost the end of May, and our kids are going to start summer break in just two weeks.
Here in South Florida, we’re already experiencing phenomenal heat, humidity, and all that good stuff. That’s my impetus for making this message about summer—and how to make the summer work for you.
Who This Is For
This message is particularly for moms who haven’t done a lot of coaching or therapy before. Maybe you tried one, two, or three sessions and then stopped. Maybe you saw a counselor a long time ago, but nothing long-term, consistent, or with a clear objective or vision for transformation.
This is for you.
What can you do this summer? Not just for your kids, but for your entire family system?
The American Summer Problem
Summers are for slowing down.
But here’s the problem in the US: every single day, every single hour of a child’s life is structured and planned by the adults in their life. This adds chronic stress to both parents and kids.
The Big Trip Fallacy
For summer breaks, many parents spend enormous amounts of money on:
- Big trips somewhere exotic
- Large family reunions
- Starting a new sport suddenly
- Creating “once-in-a-lifetime” experiences
Parents have this false belief: If we do something extraordinary in the summer—something that creates a lifelong memory the child will never forget—we’ve done a good job as parents for that summer.
I am here to debunk that myth.
The Truth About Family Change
Nothing changes in the family system when we don’t do different things in a different way over a long period of time.
Real transformation requires:
- Consistency
- Repetition
- Building associations with safety and secure attachment in the brain
No one big thing in the summer is going to change your family dynamic.
What Summer Should Be
Summer is a time for slowing down—yes, even here in the US.
We have to start befriending the idea of:
- No rigid agenda
- Not every day scheduled to the last minute
- Free, unstructured, unplanned, spontaneous time for our kids
Within that mindset and framework, this is the time we can take for ourselves to reflect and ask:
What can I do at my own personal, individual level to change something in the way my family system works?
How Family Systems Work
Here’s what we know from family systems theory:
If all members of the family system do the same thing all the time, they get the same results all the time.
The Typical Family System
In the US, the nucleus is typically mom, dad, and the children. Maybe grandparents come in and out, but they’re not always there.
Now, if mom doesn’t do any self-reflective work—if she doesn’t take time to say to herself:
“I’ve been reacting in the same way to the same things (both to my kids and my partner) for the last 8, 10, 12 years, and I get the same results. I wonder: if I change the way I react, if I change the way I relate to my triggers and emotions, if I learn new tools—maybe to take a step back, maybe to look at the other person’s reaction with a different lens—will I contribute to changing the dynamic?”
If mom doesn’t do this work, if dad doesn’t do this self-reflective questioning, the children certainly won’t do it either.
It’s not their job. And it’s also not in their capabilities.
Where Responsibility Lives
The responsibility for transformation in our family system belongs with the adults.
The “But My Partner Won’t Change” Dilemma
The second thing most mothers tell me—and this has happened three times in the last two weeks alone:
“But my husband doesn’t want to change.”
“I’ve been telling my husband to read all these parenting books and he doesn’t want to.”
“He’s dismissive.”
“He says he doesn’t have time.”
“He says his mom did a good job and look at him—he turned out okay.”
The Pattern
Let’s not generalize—not all dads are the same. But in general, husbands and fathers tend to be less curious about self-reflection and self-evaluation.
Meanwhile, wives and moms keep pitching this to their partners. A year goes by. Two years. Three years. Sometimes fourteen years go by, and this type of bickering happens all the time.
What Happens Next
Along the way, one of the partners gives up:
- Whoever has fewer tools in their toolkit
- Whoever lacks confidence
That’s the partner who gives up.
The more dominant partner settles in, and it becomes their way or the highway.
Now you have a family dynamic where:
- Everyone walks on eggshells not to upset Mom or Dad
- Everyone pretends everything is okay
- Emotions are treated as problems to be suppressed
What This Models for Children
These unhealthy family dynamics model for our children that:
- Their emotions are not okay
- Feelings are an anomaly
- Emotions should be suppressed, repressed, denied—not owned, not examined, not sat with
That child grows up to become a young adult. And the whole cycle repeats itself.
The Generational Myth
Please don’t think that whatever your child is learning in your family—if it’s not being looked at, reflected on, corrected, and repaired (even tentatively)—will somehow get better just because a new generation comes after us.
That doesn’t happen.
Mental health issues, addictions, promiscuous behaviors, lying, stealing—all the things we typically start seeing teenagers display—they do not come from nowhere.
They come from the family of origin, from the dynamics within that family.
That’s the responsibility of mom and dad.
“But I’ve Tried Everything”
You may be thinking:
“No matter what I do—I’ve been doing therapy, counseling, coaching—nothing has convinced my partner to change. They’re still doing the same thing, even after 15 or 20 years. What am I supposed to do?”
I don’t have a simple answer. It’s a very complicated question that depends on:
- Your personal situation
- Your child’s age
- Many other factors
The One-Parent Solution
But here’s what I can tell you: One consistently responsive parent is enough to be the buffer for the child between:
- The stressor (the source of stress)
- Their psychological safety
The Critical Question
My invitation to you today is this:
Do you have the tools to become that one consistently responsive, safe parent?
If you have the tools: keep doing it and seek guidance of any kind.
If you don’t have the tools: one of the parents needs to acquire a lot of good tools because that child definitely needs at least one consistently responsive parent to act as a buffer.
A buffer between:
- The source of chronic stress (perceived unsafety in the family)
- Their own psychological safety that they can build through resilience and maturity
They can’t do that without one safe, secure attachment with one safe, secure adult.
That person has to be you.
Summer: Your Time for Reflection
Let’s come back to summer. We all love summer.
Make this the summer of slowing down.
Make these next two months the time when you prioritize and invest in answering very important questions—and then take action toward finding the right support so you can become that one consistently responsive parent.
The Questions to Reflect On
1. What is working well in my family system right now?
2. Who is an active member in my family system?
- Is it just me, my partner, and my kids?
- Is it more than that?
- Who are these other people influencing the dynamic within our family unit?
3. What works and what doesn’t?
4. What is the overall daily atmosphere in our home?
5. How do our children relate to us when difficult things happen?
6. How do they relate to us in everyday, ordinary interactions?
7. Do they orient around us as parents, or do they navigate around their peers?
- Where do they take their main guidance?
- From me?
- From my partner?
- From grandparents, teachers, coaches?
- Or are they taking their orientation completely (or mostly) from their peers?
8. Am I a part of my child’s life?
This is utterly important if your child is stepping into adolescence (ages 12, 13, 14):
Do they let you into their world?
If they’ve already shut the door to their world and you are an unwelcome guest—even when you knock and say “Hey, the food is ready”—that’s a problem.
That is not normal behavior.
Yes, there’s normal teenage rejection of parental input. But not allowing you at all to be part of their world? That is not normal.
9. What is one small thing I can do today to start seeking answers?
You don’t have to find the North Star or the ultimate tool. There is no such thing.
It’s a combination of:
- Personal development
- Personal healing
- Parenting tools
- Connection tools
- Self-regulation on our part
- Co-regulation with our children
- Understanding the neuropsychology of yourself, your kids, your partner
- Couple relationship work
- Parenting relationship work
- Family of origin issues
- How we were parented
There’s a lot of work to be done.
The One Thing
But what can you do this summer?
What is one thing you can take on this summer with the vision of changing, for the better, the way your family lives every single day?
Not only when you throw a big party or take a big trip somewhere, but on a daily basis.
What is the one thing you can start doing today to bring into your family that sense of:
- Felt safety
- Deep connection
- Psychological security
My Wish for You
I wish everyone a good summer.
I’m sure I’ll come back with more talks about summer and what we can do together or individually, wherever you are.
But if you need help and want to connect with me, please reach out:
Subscribe to my YouTube channel, give it a like, share with your friends, and don’t forget to join my email list—I send something every single Saturday.
Make this the summer of slowing down.
Make it the summer you choose transformation over distraction.
Make it the summer you become the consistently responsive parent your child needs.
What’s the one thing you’ll commit to this summer? Share in the comments below. Let’s support each other in creating the family dynamics our children deserve.