Recently, I attended a business event called “Women in Business.” I was on a panel surrounded by brilliant women entrepreneurs, and the conversation was inspiring. But one comment stayed with me long after the event ended—not just from a business perspective, but from a deeply personal one.

One of the women entrepreneurs shared a principle she teaches every small business owner, especially those just starting out:

“Fire fast. Hire slow.”

Beyond Business: A Relationship Principle

As I reflected on this advice, I realized it applies far beyond hiring employees or building a business. This principle speaks directly to our personal relationships—the ones that matter most to us:

• Intimate partnerships
• Friendships
• Co-workers
• Family of origin
• Extended family
• People we rely on

When People Stop Doing “Their Job”

Here’s the uncomfortable truth: we hold on to people who are no longer fulfilling their role in our lives.

Think about it. When someone enters a relationship with us—whether romantic, familial, or friendship—there’s an implicit (or explicit) understanding of what that relationship means. There’s a “job description” of sorts—what they wanted to do for us, how they wanted to show up, the partnership they signed up for.

Why People Stop Showing Up

There comes a point when people decide not to show up anymore. Or maybe they genuinely cannot because of:

• Their own unresolved traumas
• Work they haven’t done on themselves yet
• Being stuck in victim mode
• Powerlessness and helplessness
• Codependency patterns
• Their own unhealed wounds

Whatever the reason, they are no longer capable of fulfilling the role they once occupied in your life.

The Problem: We Don’t “Fire” Fast Enough

We have such a hard time removing people from our lives, even when we know—deep down—that they’re no longer capable of being who we need them to be.

I know this sounds harsh. And let me be clear: when we do need to “fire” someone from our lives, it should be done:

• Gently
• Compassionately
• With love
• Sometimes allowing the relationship to shift and morph into something different

The Pretending Game

But here’s what we tend to do instead: we pretend the problem isn’t there.

Instead of acknowledging that someone can no longer fulfill their role, we hold on. We grip tightly, as if miraculously—overnight—they’ll become the person we need them to be.

They haven’t done something in five or ten years, but somehow we believe that overnight, something will make them better.

That never happens.

We waste time. Sometimes decades of our lives. Investing emotional resources in people who simply cannot do the job anymore—whatever that job may be.

Why We Should Fire Faster

When we hold on too long, several things happen:

We get hurt. Our emotional and psychological resources are drained.

Our time is wasted. Time we could spend on relationships that are reciprocal and healthy.

Their time is wasted too. The other person is also stuck in a dynamic that isn’t serving them either.

The Irony: We Hire Fast, Fire Slow

Think about how quickly we bring people into our lives:

“Oh, I like you. Okay, let’s be together. We’re going to do this together!”

We hire fast. But we don’t fire fast enough when the relationship becomes toxic, one-sided, or simply runs its course.

Real-Life Examples of “Firing Fast”

This isn’t only about romantic situations. “Firing” someone from your life can look many different ways:

Family of Origin: I have a client who had to go no contact with her family for a while because they were too toxic. She needed to protect herself. That’s called firing somebody—and it was temporary. They eventually reconnected, but it was an emergency intervention. A very smart intervention.

Friendships: Sometimes a friendship runs its course. That’s okay. It’s natural. Not every friendship is meant to last forever, and recognizing when it’s time to let go is an act of emotional maturity.

Romantic Relationships: That’s why we have the institution of divorce. Sometimes love isn’t enough. Sometimes people grow apart. Sometimes someone cannot or will not show up.

Extended Family: Sometimes we need to create boundaries with certain family members who drain us or harm us.

The Better Way: Hire Slow, Fire Fast

It is better for us to:

Take our time hiring people into our inner circle. Be discerning. Watch how they show up. Notice patterns before we commit deeply.

Fire them quickly when it becomes clear they cannot fulfill the role they claimed they wanted in our lives.

Creating Space for Something Better

If someone cannot do the job, we have to empty out the space.

It is better to have that space completely free and empty for a while than to keep it occupied by someone who is hurting us or wasting our resources.

Why? Because that empty space will be filled by someone or something else—something healthier, more aligned, more reciprocal.

Why Women Struggle With This

I don’t think any of us is spared from this mistake, but I believe women struggle with this more than men.

Men tend to be more efficient at “firing” people from their lives. We, as women, need to get better at this.

The Maternal Responsibility Trap

Women are too prone to holding on to people out of a sense of maternal responsibility:

• Giving people a million chances
• Accommodating them endlessly
• Making justifications of all kinds
• Feeling guilty
• Feeling like we’re not enough or not doing enough
• Self-doubt creeping in

There is so much happening in a woman’s head that is unnecessary. It’s a waste of emotional resources. It’s a waste of time.

My Own Accountability

I’m holding myself to this same standard. I’m guilty of this pattern too. As I talk about firing fast and hiring slow—about holding others accountable—I’m holding myself accountable first and foremost.

This isn’t about judging others or being harsh. This is about:

• Protecting our peace
• Honoring our worth
• Respecting our time and energy
• Creating space for relationships that truly serve us
• Being brave enough to let go

The Invitation

I hope we can all be more brave when it comes to firing fast and hiring slow.

Ask yourself:

• Who in my life is no longer fulfilling the role they signed up for?
• Am I holding on out of hope, guilt, or fear of being alone?
• What would it look like to gently, compassionately create distance?
• What space might open up if I let go?

You deserve relationships that are reciprocal, healthy, and life-giving. You deserve people who show up for the job they committed to in your life.

And when they can’t or won’t? It’s okay to let them go.

What are your thoughts on “fire fast, hire slow” in personal relationships? I’d love to hear from you in the comments. Have you ever had to “fire” someone from your life? How did you navigate that decision?