In his bestseller book, Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain, Dr. Daniel Siegel draws from relevant brain development research, as well as his own private sessions with teenagers, and writes: 

“While that sense of familiarity in a stressed life of adult responsibilities is understandable, as we’ve seen, it may also be a reason why the adult-adolescent relationship is filled at times with tension. Adults desire things to stay the same; adolescents are driven to create a new world. This is part of the source of what can become intense friction, sometimes destructively so, that can create pain in everyone, adolescent and adult alike.” 

“Honoring the important and necessary changes in the adolescent mind and brain rather than disrespecting them is crucial for both teens and their parents. When we embrace these needed changes, when we offer teens the support and guidance they need instead of just throwing up our hands and thinking we’re dealing with an “immature brain that simply needs to grow up,” or “raging hormones in need of taming,” we enable adolescents to develop vital new capacities that they can use to lead happier and healthier lives.”

“This is the PART we play in helpful communication. PART means that we are Present, Attune, Resonate, and create Trust.”  

Teenagers are like FIRE. In the “right conditions”, they will burn the house down, with everyone in it, and you didn’t even see it coming. 
They are unstoppable.
Fearless. 
Strong. 
Raging. 
They despise everything we say, do, or know. 
They are perplexed by our ignorance about the world and life. 
They are unimpressed. 

And yet… teenagers are fragile, unsure of their future, and burdened by stories that don’t belong to them such as: family trauma, high- conflict co-parenting/ divorces, parents struggling financially or with substance abuse, cultural messages, etc. 

Adolescents MUST separate from their parents, which is as painful to them as it is to the parents despite the bravado on the surface. This separation (also called individuation) requires courage, surrender, and trust. Parents are responsible to maintain the safety and the trust in the relationship way before the teen years arrive, so the “storm” during the teen years lands on safe waters. 

If you are parenting a teenager, remember that he/ she needs you NOW MORE THAN EVER. Make more time for them. Spend more time home. Play by ear with the schedule and take the opportunity to be available on their time, when they open a door and let you in. Power struggles are futile and deeply damaging to the relationship. Repair when you mess up. Open your arms when they mess up. 

Ready for Mihaela’s acronym? 

AIR: Attention, Intention, Relationship. 

Bet your money on these 3 things when it comes to your teenager, and you will surely win the lottery. 

• Give them your attention. 
• Be clear of your intention. 
• Nurture the relationship above all else. 

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